I’m still the man with a heavy heart. There will always be this aching deep in my soul; the feeling that something is always missing. My life will always be incomplete. I think about my beautiful little angel Maya every day. I do something every day to remember her. I still have the ultrasound from Valentine’s Day right next to my computer monitor at work. I glace at it often and smile knowing that no matter what, I will always be her Daddy. The ultrasound picture is so detailed. I could tell from the side profile Maya had my cheeks and Annalee’s lips. What a beautiful baby girl!

I’ve come to the realization that this is the hand I was dealt. Nothing I do or say will ever change the events that had occurred.  I’ve just survived the worst fear in my life and I’ve come out much stronger and wiser. I never thought I could survive such a tragedy; how could I possibly live on? The answer is simple; I have the most amazing wife! Annalee greets me every morning with a gorgeous smile and a kiss to start my day. She always makes sure to say, “I love you” before we leave or get off the phone. Every night ends with a good night kiss and we never go to sleep mad at each other. (That is a rule she strictly enforces and I’m glad she does given my stubbornness.) Annalee makes sure to always remind me of how loved and needed I am. That gives me so much strength to push forward.

Annalee and I absolutely hate the word “accepted”. I’m never going to accept the fact that my beautiful baby girl died. I understand that it is my reality but I will never be at peace. When I’m asked if I have any children, I don’t hesitate to talk about Maya. I feel if you are okay with asking me if I have children, you should be okay with my response. Often people look at me in awe and start to cry. They ask me why I’m not crying. My response is this; I have cried enough and have been angry at the world and “God”. I now choose to celebrate Maya in a positive way by honoring her in any way I can. I love to share her story. I want Maya to matter and that helps give me strength.

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One Response to A new strength

  1. Just a Friend says:

    You should never accept anything! You should also strive to be the best and always try to better yourself. You are a very strong and compassionate person. Just remember that you are surrounded by many people who love you everywhere you go.

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