Here I stand, a broken man but yet I’m still strong; a crushed soul but yet I still have faith. I still go through spurts of guilt, anger and sadness. My guilt is from feeling that I have failed as a husband and protector. I should have cuddled with my wife and comforted her more, but most of all, sang and spoke to Maya more while she was in her mother’s belly. I took it all for granted and now that constantly haunts me.
It still takes so much effort to act “normal” and get through the day. Every day is still a struggle. I’m constantly reminded of what my wife and I lost, our beautiful Maya. There are plenty of days when I just want to give up and sleep the day away. I force myself to get up each day. I refuse to allow myself to go to that dark place. What I want people to realize is that it still takes a great effort to get through the day. Annalee and I don’t have the ability to morn our loss for a few weeks or few months and then be able to go back to life as it once was. Our loss is forever present and always on our minds. Every morning and night I pass an empty nursery, pictures of Maya on our walls, toys, stuffed animals and a pink urn.
We have planned on honoring Maya every year with helping out a charity and starting a few new rituals. Getting a new ornament for Maya’s Christmas tree is just one example. I love to talk about Maya and I enjoy when someone brings her up. It always puts a smile on my face because I know she is always with me, now and forever.