Anyone who meets me today would never know the pain and suffering I have endured and continue to struggle through every day. I mask my sorrow behind big house projects, my sometimes-overwhelming work schedule, spending lots of money on unnecessary gadgets and toys and just being my old sarcastic lovable self. While the entire world around me continues to move on and the light that was once my precious baby girl, Maya, begins to fade from those not directly affected by her passing, her light still shines bright for me.

I have this constant struggle. I want people to understand that I’m still hurting and I still have horrible days but at the same time I don’t want the pity. I don’t want to use the tragedy of losing Maya as an excuse but be aware that this is something I must live with EVERY DAY! I can’t run away from the pain. It is constantly beating on my heart. Every day I find yet another reason to be upset that Maya is not here; my wife’s first Mother’s Day, my wife’s birthday, Maya’s first birthday (coming up real soon), my second Father’s Day without Maya (she passed away the day before Father’s Day), etc. The list is constantly growing!

The birth of a second child will not replace Maya or take away the pain of losing our first. Even if we were to have 8 children (not planning on it) my heart would still ache knowing we should have 9 happy and healthy children to love and hold. Every child is different and not a replacement. Maya will NEVER be forgotten and will always be present in our lives. I’m a better man because of my daughter. I understand what is precious and necessary in my life; love, compassion and family! Some people need to wake up and walk a day in my shoes!

 

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4 Responses to Still pushing through…

  1. alyssa says:

    WOW you are amazing, google led me here, keep pushing through my friend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  2. It is a daily struggle. Even 5 years out from the losses of our three preemies (5 1/2y for our twins and almost 5y for our son) and the birth of twin preemies who made it, plus now a pregnancy that looks like (knock on wood) it will go full term, I still mourn and grieve. I grieve my miscarriages, too, my oldest which dates over 12 years. It is a pain that never goes away. Time mitigates it, Time helps you to cover it, but inside, it still hurts. Like you wrote, as people start to lose the memories of your children, they burn brighter for you. You wish that you could just show people what it is like… and yet, you cant. It does get easier, but I don’t think it ever goes away. I think it just becomes such a part of us that our losses become a part of who we are.

    Sending you warm thoughts and peace.

  3. Bobby Rinehart says:

    Hackie,

    Your words are honest and true. You can’t take the sting out of death without taking the love out of life, and anyone who reads your blog knows how much you love Maya!

    Anniversaries and special occasions can be tough. I know I’m not looking forward to Father’s Day this year (this is my third since losing Ellie). I wish I could say it gets easier, but you know it doesn’t. The hurt doesn’t go away, at least. But some days, our capacity to deal with it are better than others.

    I just want you to know that I understand a bit of what you are going through. You are a good husband and father, and I’m sure Maya is proud of you. No matter what happens, you are a dad – Maya’s dad – and there is no one else in the world that can say that.

    Chin up and keep pushing through!

    Bobby

  4. Mom says:

    Love You Hackie!

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