Anyone who meets me today would never know the pain and suffering I have endured and continue to struggle through every day. I mask my sorrow behind big house projects, my sometimes-overwhelming work schedule, spending lots of money on unnecessary gadgets and toys and just being my old sarcastic lovable self. While the entire world around me continues to move on and the light that was once my precious baby girl, Maya, begins to fade from those not directly affected by her passing, her light still shines bright for me.
I have this constant struggle. I want people to understand that I’m still hurting and I still have horrible days but at the same time I don’t want the pity. I don’t want to use the tragedy of losing Maya as an excuse but be aware that this is something I must live with EVERY DAY! I can’t run away from the pain. It is constantly beating on my heart. Every day I find yet another reason to be upset that Maya is not here; my wife’s first Mother’s Day, my wife’s birthday, Maya’s first birthday (coming up real soon), my second Father’s Day without Maya (she passed away the day before Father’s Day), etc. The list is constantly growing!
The birth of a second child will not replace Maya or take away the pain of losing our first. Even if we were to have 8 children (not planning on it) my heart would still ache knowing we should have 9 happy and healthy children to love and hold. Every child is different and not a replacement. Maya will NEVER be forgotten and will always be present in our lives. I’m a better man because of my daughter. I understand what is precious and necessary in my life; love, compassion and family! Some people need to wake up and walk a day in my shoes!